"and my nights may be long and my songs my be ruined and my pillow may be my only confidant... but i havent given in to those terrible thoughts just yet. and if i make it out of this alive its only because i truly believed those words i wrote with these very same fingers.



because i truly am unbreakable."

- Christopher Gutierrez, "You smile like you mean it. I smile because you need it." (11/29/09)

Another popular justification seems to be, “The victim forgives him.” As a former police officer I can tell you unequivocally that the victim of a crime is often the person least capable of making that decision. They are frightened and humiliated. They just want it all to go away.

Twenty-years or so ago, the Domestic Violence laws were changed in most states requiring police officers to sign complaints instead of asking the abused spouse to do so. Why? Because a lot of them wouldn’t. They were so afraid or so used to the abuse, they didn’t think they could stop it. Jaycee Lee Dugard, the little girl kidnapped by Phillip Garrido, held and raped for eighteen years and forced to give birth to two children in a tent in a backyard (one when she was fourteen), APOLOGIZED to her family. After enduring half a lifetime of abuse, she is the one who feels guilty. Does that mean we let him go?

No. It is a just society’s DUTY to seek justice for them, ESPECIALLY when that victim is a child.

Hineyni, for me, is the most powerful word in Genesis. Abraham says it to God. It means, "Here I am," but it is not a geographical answer. It is not an answer to "Where are you?" It is the response to the challenge to acknowledge the truth of the present moment; to recognize what needs to be done, and to be prepared to do it. Abraham says "Hineyni" three times in the most terrible of circumstances.

Mindfulness is also "Here I am, not hiding," and it is also an expression of freedom. Even when experience is painful, especially when it is dire, mindfulness is freedom from extra anguish, from the extra pain of futile struggle. "This is what is true. These are the possibilities. I understand the necessary response." And sometimes, "There are no possibilities other than surrender. So I surrender."

When I was a child and heard that some people were able to go to the gas chamber saying, "I believe with perfect faith..." I didn't know what perfect faith was, but I knew that I wanted it. If it were possible, in such unspeakable situations, for speech - declarative, affirmative, fearless speech - to find its voice, I wanted to know "How?" I wanted to be able to do it.

I try to pray as if my prayers make a difference, but I don't believe that prayer saves us from terrible things happening. Terrible things do happen. I do believe that fully mindful prayer, undistracted presence, establishes the capacity of the mind to see clearly, and, when necessary, to surrender gracefully. Hineyni.

Hineyni is also the imperative to be fully present in moments of special joy, as well as in every day moments of the amazing blessing of simply being alive. My father said grace at dinnertime, and sometimes, probably in an attempt to be modern and funny, he would say, "Well, here we are again, God."

That was it. The whole grace. Maybe that is the whole grace. Here we are. Here I am. Hineyni.



- Sylvia Boorstein, "That's Funny, You Don't Look Buddhist: On Being a Faithful Jew and a Passionate Buddhist"